Blog Post

Julie Lamb • Aug 10, 2020

And why it matters

Today is a special day because it is my anniversary. I have been married for 13 years and it has been quite the journey. We have seen each other at our best, and our worst. We have the privilege of being parents to three incredible kids. And, we like to be with each other.

So, in honor of the 13 years we have been together, I want to share some things I have learned and why they matter:

1. You do not need to compromise yourself to compromise. 

This is something we learned early on. There are things that my husband likes that I do not, and vice versa. I like Pride and Prejudice and he likes Star Trek. Each of us will share the things we like, but I will not watch Horror movies. That is a hard pass. While it is a small thing, I am not going to do something that makes me uncomfortable just because my husband wants to. So, what are the things you are not okay with, and compromise on the rest.

2. It is not his, or my, responsibility to make each other happy.

I am in charge of my own happiness. Yes, I want to do things that make him happy, but I get to decided how I feel about it. 

3. Respect each other, even when you do not agree

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that my husband and I are different. He will do things that I think are simply crazy, and I will do things that confuse him. Regardless, we allow each other to do those things, without judgement. 

4. Communicate about the small things so you can talk about the big things

Everyday my husband and I ask about each other’s day. We talk about the good, bad, the ugly…it does not matter. Those small moments make it easier for me to go and talk about big things. When I wanted to start my own business, I knew I could talk to my husband because he listened to me about anything.

5. Be each other’s advocate

I know I have failings, but hearing my husband tell me how great I am, continues to boost my confidence. Now, I do not need him to do that, but knowing he has my back makes me work harder at what I do.

6. It is okay to go to bed mad at each other

Hands down the worst advice ever is “never go to bed angry.” The reason this advice is so terrible: it is okay to take a break and think about things before you say something you might regret. Go to bed angry, it is amazing how your brain will work through things and then you can work together on it in the morning

7. Do not give ultimatums 

No one likes to feel like they “have to” do something. So do not do it to your spouse. The phrase “if you don’t do this then I won’t do this” must leave your vocabulary. 

8. Pick your battles

If he leaves his socks on the floor, does not change the toilet paper roll, and does not do the dishes, pick one that you want addressed the most and leave the rest alone. 

9. Date. Or at least find time to be alone

With three kids it is easy to put them first and forget that we are together. When you do not date or spend time alone, you become roommates and not lovers. Go out and continue to get to know each other, spend time building that relationship. 

10. Be willing to change

We are not the same people from when we got married. Life changes, and so do we. I do not look the same as I did when we got married, and if my husband expected that, it could cause a lot of tension. Acknowledge that each other may have different likes and interests that is also why dating each other is so important.

11. Share your expectations

Before my husband and I were married we talked about roles in the relationship and what we wanted our marriage to be like. Well, things change and so do your expectations. When I went back to work, we had to reassess the way things are done in our marriage and home. It is easy to get mad when the dishes are not done, but was that the expectation? 

12. Dream together

It is important to set goals and have a vision for your family. But it is also important to envision the possibilities, even if they seem far-fetched. On our date nights we like to talk about what our dream home might look like. Or what we would love to do for a vacation. Then we take those dreams and look at how to make them a reality. Having that dream keeps us moving toward something.

13. Have fun together

I can honestly say my husband is my best friend. I love talking with him and being with him. But I also love being silly with him. He makes me laugh. We have experienced a lot of hard things in our marriage, and I can honestly say that those things were made easier because we also have fun.

Our marriage is not perfect, but that is the beauty of it. We are striving each day to work together to build the relationship we want. Our marriage works when both of us are striving each day to be the person we want. 

If any of these resonate, let me know. Or if you are struggling with any of these areas and want to improve your own relationship, set up an appointment with me today.

Julie
By Julie Lamb 18 Apr, 2023
Julie Lamb, licensed therapist and life coach has helped thousands of people take control of their mindset and careers by helping them understand their most powerful strategic asset, their brain. Join her as she takes you on a path of personal growth and understanding of the who, what and whys of your thoughts and behaviors. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Why in the world did I do that?” If yes, this is the podcast for you! Follow on: Apple Spotify Google Amazon
By Julie Lamb 31 Jul, 2020
How many of us say "I'm sorry" as a reflex, even if we aren't sorry? Or maybe you don't say "I'm sorry" but instead you say or think: I didn't mean it How do I make this right It's my fault Often apologizing is a a form of people pleasing. It is easier to just take the blame and move on then to actually try and change something. One of the biggest offenders comes from trying to please our family members. And when we don't we have a huge amount of guilt. I am giving you permission to stop saying "I'm sorry". Here are 8 things you need to stop apologizing for right now: Setting Boundaries : A boundary is simply a way to protect yourself physically and emotionally. One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is believing that it is okay to set that boundary. Think about what you need to feel okay and then set a boundary to respect that. Choosing to Put Yourself First: It is okay to acknowledge when you need "me"time. We have all heard the analogy of putting our own mask on before helping someone put theirs on. When we are drained, we don't have anything else to give. So, maybe you need to set the boundary of protecting your "me" time so that you can give more of yourself later. Believing in Yourself and Going After Your Dreams: What if you wanted to do something different that all those around you...can that be okay? You are so much more capable then you give yourself credit for. No one can take away your dreams unless you allow them to. So, dream big: what do you want from this life? Having High Standards and Expectations: Never lower your beliefs just to fit in. If you don't want to do something, then don't. We tell our kids this all the time, so why do we try and become something we aren't? Wanting More out of Life: Just because no one in your family does it, doesn't mean you cannot. How many times do we applaud those that are the first in their family to do something? Why not applaud yourself for taking a path that makes you happy. Needing Some Alone Time: As an introvert, I totally relate. It also goes with needing to recharge yourself. Step away, take a break, and then good things will happen. Outgrowing People that Had A Chance to Grow With You: It's okay to change friends. Many of us don't have the same friends from high school. And many of us make new friends that challenge us to grow and move forward. Be the one that challenges others to keep moving forward. Saying No with No Explanation: No means no and that is okay. Often when someone wants an explanation it is because they don't respect boundaries. You can tell someone when something is not okay and also have the courage to walk away. Take a look at the list of 8 things to NEVER apologize for. Which one do you want to make stronger? If you are ready to stop apologizing and move forward in your life, set up an appointment with me today to help you be your best self.
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Anxiety, Depression and Trauma, can be extremely tricky...one day you feel fine, and the next things feel out of control. I created a list of 5 things to ask yourself everyday to just check where you are at: 1. How am I feeling today, mentally and physically: Anxiety will manifest in your body as headaches or stomachaches. so make sure you take a moment to consider how you are handling all the things around you. 2. What am I thinking about the most: In the Anxiety Workbook I share how our thoughts create our feelings. If you are thinking a lot about things you cannot control, how is that howing up in your feelings? 3. When did I last do something just for me: I mention eating because it is so important to take care of our basic needs. Are you eating regularly, and what are you eating? 4. Am I tired: I get it, life can be filled with so many things that drain us. Are you getting enough sleep to tackle those things? Studies have shown that the best sleep occurs between the hours of 10 pm - 2 pm. Are you sleeping during those times? 5. What can I do today that will bring me joy: Are you scheduling time during your day for something you love, or want to do? Having something to look forward to will help in all those moments of anxiety. If you feel that one or more areas are off, take a look at what might need to change. If you would like help getting them back on track, schedule an appointment where we can talk about how I can help coach you through your anxiety. xx Julie P.S. Don't forget to follow me on Facebook where I share more tips and stories.
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